Post by Iced Tranquillity on Jun 7, 2003 8:52:46 GMT -5
Two syllables, one name: Seagal That’s right; the inspiration for the shitty movie rating system. Talk about a shit-fest! Good lord I haven’t seen a pile of shit this high since "Above the Law", which,strangely enough, is another Seagal movie. In this movie our hero, the master of mindlessness, the lord of lameness, Steven “I know kung-fu” Seagal is an oil rig working Eskimo look alike that smells something fishy. So he goes after a financially corrupt business owner that is suspected of causing fires to collect the insurance on the factories that have been set ablaze (like you haven’t seen at least three movies with basically the same scenario.) Steven being the blue-collar, law defying man that he is takes matters into his own hands. Take note that every role Seagal has every played is exactly that, blue-collar, law defying “bad-ass”. Anyway, in this movie a fight scene in a bar takes place, and during the most exhilarating battle ever, Seagal busts out the most vile, disgusting, bone-shattering, flesh-ripping, earth-moving, mind-numbing maneuver known to mankind…the hot hand slap of unbridled chaos and pain. That’s right, in the middle of a fight they play a heart warming game of hot-hands. Oh the humanity! Me and Kyle can play hot hands for Christ’s sake, hell we’ll even throw Troy in there and make a three way battle to the death. We’ll even throw the Matrix effect for showmanship. It’s rather sad. Why, God why? Why would you let such a pathetic, worthless, scum-sucking, shit-eating, jackass like Steven Seagal live this long? Overall review, I’d rather let a Rugby player kick me in the ribs while a wife-beating hillbilly cracks me in the face with a whiskey bottle.
Two Thumbs down.
Two Thumbs down.
